I HATE suicide!
There is someting sinister, evil and perplexing about suicide that drives me to tears of anger and frustration.
A couple of weeks ago, it was a Monday (and a full moon day) in clinic. I saw a 46 year old man who came in for some minor health issue. I noted that the last provider he saw had started him on a medication for depression, so I decided to ask whether he had noted any difference since taking it.
He shook his head. When I asked about suicidal ideation (thoughts of wanting to kill himself) I was stopped dead (pardon the pun) in my tracks. He replied "Actually, on the way here I thought of throwing myself in front of a semi." This was a middle-aged man with a wife and two kids who wanted to kill himself.
I inquired further. He did not think his life was worth living. His job was a dead end. His marriage was falling apart. He had no desire for sex. We had given him Viagra on a previous visit. He had not used it. Not interested.
Further investigation from the psychiatrist (to whom he was directly referred from my office) revealed that he had a lifetime battle with ichthyosis -- a rare skin condition that causes the skin to appear scaly or reptilian in appearance. His school nickname was 'scales'.
The following day, I saw a young man in clinic with with a weight problem. He too was suicidal. His plan was to turn the fumes from his tailpipe into the car and breathe it in. He too had no reason to live.
That same day, I saw a middle-aged woman who had attempted suicide at the age of 18. She suffered from crippling depression and schizophrenia (the latter adequately controlled on medication). Unfortunately, she lived with a 'partner' who had an autistic 4 year old. I imagined this dysfunctional household: each one's condition exacerbating the other's.
It is horrifying but not uncommon to see that in all three of these patient's families there was a strong history of depression, psychiatric illness and yes, multiple suicides. It is almost as if a demon has these families in his grip, killing one after the other.
The following week in the ICU I took care of a middle-aged woman who sat down at 11:30 pm and drank Anti-freeze till 4:30 am. Yes, she was trying to kill herself. (This is a picture of the actual can from which the patient drank).
There is someting sinister, evil and perplexing about suicide that drives me to tears of anger and frustration.
A couple of weeks ago, it was a Monday (and a full moon day) in clinic. I saw a 46 year old man who came in for some minor health issue. I noted that the last provider he saw had started him on a medication for depression, so I decided to ask whether he had noted any difference since taking it.
He shook his head. When I asked about suicidal ideation (thoughts of wanting to kill himself) I was stopped dead (pardon the pun) in my tracks. He replied "Actually, on the way here I thought of throwing myself in front of a semi." This was a middle-aged man with a wife and two kids who wanted to kill himself.
I inquired further. He did not think his life was worth living. His job was a dead end. His marriage was falling apart. He had no desire for sex. We had given him Viagra on a previous visit. He had not used it. Not interested.
Further investigation from the psychiatrist (to whom he was directly referred from my office) revealed that he had a lifetime battle with ichthyosis -- a rare skin condition that causes the skin to appear scaly or reptilian in appearance. His school nickname was 'scales'.
The following day, I saw a young man in clinic with with a weight problem. He too was suicidal. His plan was to turn the fumes from his tailpipe into the car and breathe it in. He too had no reason to live.
That same day, I saw a middle-aged woman who had attempted suicide at the age of 18. She suffered from crippling depression and schizophrenia (the latter adequately controlled on medication). Unfortunately, she lived with a 'partner' who had an autistic 4 year old. I imagined this dysfunctional household: each one's condition exacerbating the other's.
It is horrifying but not uncommon to see that in all three of these patient's families there was a strong history of depression, psychiatric illness and yes, multiple suicides. It is almost as if a demon has these families in his grip, killing one after the other.
The following week in the ICU I took care of a middle-aged woman who sat down at 11:30 pm and drank Anti-freeze till 4:30 am. Yes, she was trying to kill herself. (This is a picture of the actual can from which the patient drank).Her life was saved by CRRT. The picture shows her getting the treatment.
I remember coming home from work the evening of the day I saw the two suicidal patients in clinic. I finally broke down in my car. Tears of frustration, anger and a feeling of helplessness swept over me.
As a physician I fight disease and sickness all day (and nights on call). We struggle to save broken bodies ravaged by disease. Here were relatively 'healthy' people trying to take their own lives.
The book that has most ilumined the subject of suicide to me is Kay Jamison's Night Falls Fast (http://www.amazon.com/Night-Falls-Fast-Understanding-Suicide/dp/0375401458). As a professor of psychiatry and a lifelong patient with bipolar disorder who has attempted suicide several times herself, she is emininently qualified to comment on the subject. I recommend the book highly.
2 comments:
Thanks for writing this.
I've Read Kay Jamison before and my favorite book is her Exuberance: The passion for Life- It's a very good read. Suicide frusterates me as well...But your Teenage angst posting really struck me too... Life is hard and no one tells you how hard it's going to be. Faith makes a big difference in how you view things, too bad not everyone believes.
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